The Moments Before He Turns 8

My son turns 8 tomorrow. 

For about a week I have been in awe of that fact. 

Tonight as I made cupcakes for him and wrapped his presents I became so overwhelmed. 

8 years ago, as I write this at 11:00 pm, I was in labor about to bring him into the world. But I didn't want to give birth. He was safe inside me. When he was born, all of the horrible things that I have been hearing from doctors for months were going to happen. But I couldn't stop it. A few hours from now he'd be born. It was Easter morning. 

They took him from me quickly (thankfully I was able to hold him briefly). They brought him to the NICU to get all hooked up to the supports that were going to keep him alive. You see, his heart was not whole. He was about to face many months in the hospital with countless procedures and multiple heart surgeries. 

I don't know why, but this year his birthday hit me differently. The tears have not stopped flowing. I am grieving. Grieving the "normal" life that he will never have. Grieving those many months in the hospital. Grieving all the things that we went through. 

I opened his support page on Facebook (Aaron's Heart Journey) and went all the way back to the start. And I cried. I read every post I made, looked at every picture I shared, and I grieved. 

And then I praised! Because weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5). And if I just left it at grieving, then what would my faith be? I praised all the answered prayers. I praised that all the surgeries were successful, I praised that my boy is going to be 8!! 

I don't know if I have ever fully let myself dive back into those days. Tonight I did. I have suppressed those feelings for so long. I would openly tell you his story if you were to ask, but I wouldn't let myself truly remember those feelings. Grief is a weird thing, and most people only associate it with death. But grief can also be mourning over what could have been. 

I also have spent many of the past 8 years in sorrow over prayers not answered. Have you spent 8 years praying for something and it not get answered? I have. It's not easy. It's discouraging and it sometimes makes you question why even pray in the first place? 

I am thankful that God, the God of the universe, cares enough to listen to me. He cares that I have questions. He cares that I am frustrated at times with unanswered prayers. He wants me to come to Him with these things. I can rest assured that the God who brought Aaron through these first 8 years of his life, will continue to see him grow exactly how He has planned for him to grow.