2018 - In Review

By any worldly standard my 2018 would be considered a very bad year. Coming out of 2017 I was so looking forward to a “normal” year. One filled with rearing my three sons, one where we weren’t solely focusing on a child with health issues, one where we could just grow and love life! That idyllic image was quickly torn down. While I had thought that God was done bringing me through the fires, the biggest one was yet to come.

2018 brought the realization that Satan is truly walking about as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8) and I was an intended target. He had been planting seeds of anger and resentment in my heart for months. Slowly but surely he was taking my heart away from the truth of God’s word and replacing the truth with lies. I, of course, did not realize this as it was happening. I thought that I was spending my time trusting God and praying for his will. But in reality my prayers were selfish.

This year`s story begins back in 2017, though. You see, in 2017 my youngest son went through 2 open heart surgeries, a 4 month long hospital stay, and a number of other procedures. One of those procedures was getting his G-tube put in. This was one of the hardest decisions that we had to make. I resented it from the moment that they brought him back. I was so angry that God had not answered this prayer that I had been praying from before he was born. I always knew that feeding issues could be a possibility due to the severity of his CHD (congenital heart defect) and his not being able to learn the correct skills when normal babies did. Although I knew this medically and mentally, I did not believe that it would affect my son. I believed with all my heart that God was going to answer this prayer of mine. I trusted that since I prayed that Aaron would know how to eat and do it well that God was going to answer that prayer. After all, He says that when we pray, believing, we will receive (Matthew 21:22). So, I prayed. I believed. Why didn’t God answer the way I wanted to receive? This was the start to my year. I started the year angry with God and it just got worse from there.

It wasn’t just that Aaron wouldn’t eat orally. It was the throwing up and not being able to keep anything in his belly that was the worst. I don’t remember if I’ve shared this on here before, but let me tell you about our days. I would feed Aaron through his g-tube and sometime between 2 minutes to an hour he would throw it all back up. And I mean all of it. Because of this, he would not grow. He didn’t lose weight during this time, but he just wouldn’t grow. This lead to many GI (gastroenterology) visits that lead to no answers. Ultimately in April 2018 we were admitted to Children’s Hospital for “failure to thrive” as they would call it. From the moment we were admitted we felt an uneasy sense that they did not trust what we had been saying to them about our son and his health. Since we were there because our son wouldn’t gain weight, it must be our fault. We must not have been feeding him. We were essentially accused of neglecting our child and that is why he wasn’t growing. This hurt. Bad. Because let me tell you what I did all day long…

I fed a baby. I cleaned up the puke. I fed a baby. I cleaned up the puke. I fed a baby. I rejoiced that this time he didn’t puke! I fed a baby. I cleaned up the puke. I did a load of laundry. I fed a baby. I held my breath waiting for the puke. I put a baby to bed. I fed a baby after he was asleep. I cleaned up the puke an hour later. I did another load of laundry. Six times a day he would get fed, and anywhere from 2-4 of those feeds he would throw it all up.

I don’t say all of that for people to feel bad for me. I say it to show you how I handled it so very badly. Each time Aaron would throw up I would ask God “Why?”. Asking soon became yelling. I would literally lay on the floor while Aaron was throwing up in his crib and yell at God, “WHY?! HOW IS THIS GOOD!? WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!” I would cry out in anger to God. Which lead to crying out in anger at God. Which lead to just being angry. I stopped praying. I stopped expecting anything to change. I stopped believing that God cared for me or loved me. I felt  anger, betrayal, sadness, loneliness, and a myriad of other negative emotions. I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t answer this ONE THING for me. There is a verse that hangs above Aaron’s crib that says that he (God) is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or think (Ephesians 3:20). And I still believed that. I would sing the children’s song “He’s Able” and get angry. I knew that he was able. I knew that God just had to say one word and Aaron would stop throwing up. And because he wasn’t doing what I knew that He was able to do, therefore, He wasn’t good. Or so I was being told by Satan.

This was about the time that Jesus broke me. We had been hospitalized for the feeding issue and gone home encouraged that we finally found what was going to work for Aaron. We had done lots of tests that showed internally there was no reason for the throwing up. The only answer that we had (that I had been trying to tell the doctors all along) was that he was being overfed. He just couldn’t handle all that food. Well, we got him started on a new formula and when we got home I switched to a new company that makes real food blends. So instead of being on a toddler formula, he would actually be getting real food! I was so excited. And the transition went so smoothly. We thought that our problems had finally ended! After a few weeks on his new food he started throwing up again. Talk about heartbreak. I had been up with Aaron again with him throwing up all his food overnight and had to take the older boys to some appointments the next day. I kept getting prompted to call my dad, and I really didn’t want to do it. How could I call him and tell him how angry I was at God? How could I call him and complain about how God says he is good, but I don’t see any good. I fought it the whole way to the appointments, and finally called him on our way home. As we were saying goodbye after our conversation my dad said, “I will be praying that God will give you strength to get through this.” That simple phrase changed my heart.

I had not ever prayed for God to be with me and change my heart and give me strength. My prayer had always been, “God, fix Aaron.” “God, heal Aaron’s belly.” “God I don’t see why this is good, why are you doing this to me?” Growing up I was taught that you always pray “in the will of God” meaning, if it is God’s will then he will answer according to that will. His plan is always best. However, in this season of my life when it came to handing over that will to God I couldn’t do it. I don’t think I ever once prayed, “God, if it’s your will heal Aaron.” I demanded it. I figured since I trusted and believed that it would happen that God was going to do it. I was the most selfish parent ever. My prayer changed that day. I still pray for Aaron’s belly to get stronger so that we can one day get rid of the feeding tube altogether, but I no longer demand it of God. I now pray that God would indeed be with my heart and my mind. That I wouldn't give Satan leave to preach lies to me. That I would see Aaron’s tube as a good thing and not something that God has placed between us.

It truly is amazing how that after all the things we went through during Aaron’s first few months at that hospital how quickly I forgot. I am ashamed with how I went from trusting God as Aaron went through two open heart surgeries to accusing God of not caring for me. I still have to yield my mind and heart daily to God and the truth of His word. On the truths that I have known and learned over the years. God is good, even in the bad days. He is sovereign, even when we don’t understand why He is doing what he is doing. He still loves me, even if my life isn’t what I think it should be. He died for me and granted me salvation, and that is the greatest love I have ever known.

God sent me another trial in the midst of this trial this year. I had always dreamed of having 4 or 5 kids, and when Aaron was born with all his complications we had some very serious discussions about whether we would ever have more. After God broke me and I dealt with my sin against Him I became very content with my three boys. I was so excited to have our family complete, just the five of us. I loved so much being a boy mom. It was a few weeks later that I found out I was pregnant. I call this a trial because I was not at all expecting this, and I had a hard time with the news. We had decided. We were done. I sold all of our baby things! Although it took me a few weeks of prayer and giving our new baby to God and changing my prayer from “Why, God” (again) to “Thank you, God.” I became excited to welcome new life again into our family. God has been in it from the beginning and if He thought that we needed another one to rear, then who am I to question Him? We already can’t imagine our lives without our fourth in our home.

So, to say that the last year was the hardest in my life is not at all an exaggeration. It was hard. It was so lonely. It was scary. And I am so thankful for it. Without the year 2018 God would not have shown himself so clearly to me. He could have just left me to deal with life, but he loved me enough to pursue me and my heart. He wanted a closer relationship with me.

Here is to a new year and a new realization of who I am in Christ.