I have discovered something.
It is one thing to say “I trust God”
with whatever situation I am in.
It is quite another to actually live
that out.
It. Is. HARD!
I have started this blog post many times in the last few days. I have even gotten to the point of publishing it before I delete it and start again. I don't know why it is that I can't get the right words out of how I really have been feeling these last few weeks. If you were to ask me in person I would tell you exactly how I've been feeling: sad, scared, nervous, alone, terrified, impatient, angry...the list could go on. I'm not one to coat over my true fears and feelings, all you'd have to do is spend a few minutes actually diving into my life and you'd see it all. I am not good at hiding my feelings.
This journey has not been an easy one. And I know we are just getting started. I have seen the ugliest parts of me and it's terrifying. In my mind I know that Aaron's life is completely planned out, just like each of ours are. It doesn't make the fear any easier. It is so terrifying (I use that word a lot, but it truly sums up how I feel about this all) to not know if my baby will survive the first few months of his life. To not know if I'll be able to hold him in those first moments. To not know who will be there to watch the big brothers when delivery time comes. Not knowing is HARD! It is so hard to focus on the now and taking care of those in my home at this point without worrying about the one who is constantly reminding me he is there by kicking and squirming all around. Not that I am complaining about the kicking, he is quite a strong and active little boy and for that I am extremely grateful. He's constantly showing me he's there and thriving.
It has also been scary to think about how I have reared my older two boys to this point. I am so scared of not getting to be with them 24/7 once Aaron is born. Will they hate me for the rest of their lives? Will they be terrible for those who will be taking care of them? Have I done enough to prepare them for this time that we'll be apart? All these things scare me. They are always on my mind.
It is so hard to know what to say to people when they are going through a hard time, isn't it? I am that way. You don't know what to say, so you don't say anything. You don't know what to do, so you don't do anything. Now, I know that I can't speak for everyone, but this has been an extremely hard part of this whole process. People skirting around the topic; you know, "Hey, how are you?" then they have to go somewhere real quick. Or when you start to tell them how you really are they get all nervous and try to end the conversation all too fast...this has happened more times than I can count. And oh boy is it hard.
So what have I learned about people going through difficult times? First, never underestimate the power of prayer and scripture. I cannot count the times when I am having a bad day and someone wrote me a note or sent me a text with God's beautiful words and I could take heart in those words and not in my own strength. Second, never think that the person going through a hard time already has a friend helping her through it. This is not always the case. People may be hurting alone, trying to do it alone, and drowning. Third, ASK! Don't be afraid to be real with people and ask them point blank how they are (and actually stay around for the answer and care about what they're saying). After living these last few months with this weight on me I hope I am now better equipped when a friend (or acquaintance) of mine will go through something hard.
Now I realize why I have never published this yet. I feel so "Woe is me" when I type it out...but I was encouraged to keep writing, just write my feelings I was told (you know who you are ;) ). There are many times when I think that I shouldn't feel these things. that I am a Christ follower so I should have my emotions all in check. And for the most part, I believe that. Maybe that's why having these feelings is so hard for me. I feel like less of a Christian. I feel like how can I possibly point others to Christ when there are times that I don't feel Him near.
But maybe that is the beauty of "When I am weak then I am strong" (2 Corinthians). God has brought me to that weak point over and over again in these last weeks. And I know He is not done with me yet. I know that there are going to be so many more weak days. And all I can do is cry out to Jesus for help. Because in reality, He is the only one who can truly help me. He has been where I have been. He's been hurt, alone, rejected, sad, angry...
The only thing different is that He's seen the end of my story, the end of Aaron's story. He has it all planned out. He knows.
And I can rest in that.
