When I was in high school theme parks were one of my favorite places to go. I especially loved the roller coasters, the higher and more twisty the better. We would ride them over and over again. The thing about roller coasters is, once you ride them multiple times you know where the next turn is going to be. You know which way to lean your body and where the bumps are. But that first time on a new roller coaster is thrilling. The thrill of not knowing when you were going to be plummeted down a hill or thrown upside down. The thrill of that first big drop at the beginning. Each turn is a new surprise.
That was then.
Today if you were to ask me how I feel about roller coasters it would be a different story. See, I went to a theme park last year, and something had changed. I didn't really love what I couldn't see in front of me. I didn't like not knowing what was ahead, I didn't like the big drop at the beginning of the ride. And although the thrill was still there, the fear was there more. (Not to mention the HUGE headache I had just after a few rides). Would I go back? Yes. There is something about the thrill that draws me to it. Would I say I love it? No. I don't love theme parks as much as I once did.
Now I am on a new roller coaster. The roller coaster of having a sick child.
Nothing. No one. Could have ever prepared me for this roller coaster. It has been a ride that won't stop. (And won't stop until we see Jesus).
This roller coaster started the moment that I found out I was pregnant. I was on the up side of the roller coaster. Going up higher and higher; preparing for a new baby and all the excitement that comes with that. And then came the top of the first hill, you know the moment. When you are in the very first car in the roller coaster and you are peering over the edge just waiting for the drop. Our drop came at our first ultrasound (which you know about, or you can read about in previous blogs). The fear came when I was plummeted down that first blow of hearing the words "there is something wrong with your baby's heart". I was falling, I couldn't control how fast this car was going or where the next turn was. I evened out for a bit while I prayed that there was a mistake or that God would do a miracle and heal his heart. Then out of no where the next turn came jerking me back and forth as I learned just how serious this heart condition was. I had another upward hill when he was born and went through his first surgery so well. Just as soon as the hill started, it stopped. Flying down another scary drop as I waited 14 hours in a waiting room while he had his 2nd surgery. After a few more bumps and turns I was sure the ride was coming to a stop. Ever ridden one of those? The ride is finally stopping when out of no where another big hill is before your eyes. Up and up I ride again. not knowing what's on the other side. At this point I was home. Home with my family and I thought home to stay. That's when I got to the top of that hill; looking down, yet again, at a scary prospect. A whole other set of bumps and turns and twists that I couldn't see the end of. And here I am. riding these bumps and turns not knowing when I will have our next respite. Knowing that, at any minute, the ride could take a huge turn and throw me in a different direction.
All I can do during this ride is hang on.
And all I have to hang on to is truth.
Truth that the One who created my son loves him more than I ever could.
Truth that there is no twist and turn in my life that was not perfectly placed there by the Creator himself.
Truth that this roller coaster I am on will be done one day, and although I can't see that day I know it is coming!
Truth that I need to use every moment that I have in every situation that I am in to bring glory to God.
(Those truths are really easy to type out...NOT easy to actually live out)
Here's to the next few bumps and drops and turns and twists. May I ever be looking up.
