I really wish I could describe to you what it feels like to sit in a dark room
and watch your child's heart beat on the screen.
I did that today.
And as I sat there tears came to my eyes.
I wished I could put into words what I was feeling and seeing.
There was fear, of course. Fear that maybe something would be seriously wrong, fear that his heart would not be functioning the way it should be.
There was excitement. It's amazing to watch what God has created. And it is also amazing what he has enabled man to do so that my son can be living right now.
There was sadness. It is SO HARD having to watch your child go through something hard. It makes my heart so sad to think about all that he will live with the rest of his life.
There was joy. Such joy in seeing the way God has brought us through so far, and joy to know that we can trust him in the future.
There was confusion. No matter how many echos I see, I am still SO lost at what goes where and what I am looking at (although I am much better at it now than a year ago).
As my emotions ran wild, I tried to remember all I was seeing.
The room is dark, all the lights are off and the blinds are closed.
My son, laying on a huge bed and sedated so he wouldn't move.
The machine that the technician uses to take all the crazy pictures from every angle imaginable.
The screen that shows his heart just beating away.
The technician (I always watch their faces to try and read what they are thinking).
Then there is the time when the tech leaves and you sit there waiting for the cardiologist to look things over. They check to make sure they got all the pictures needed to get an accurate view of the function of the heart. You sit there and wonder what is taking so long. Why aren't they coming right in and saying everything is fine? What are they looking at so closely?
When the doctor comes in they usually want to take a look themselves. So you wait some more. And this time, you try to read the cardiologists face. What are they thinking? Is something wrong?
In our case today, we got such sweet news. Heart function is great, it is strong, and doing what it needs to do. We have nothing to worry about.
I know that this won't always be the case. My son will always live with heart failure. He will never have a whole heart. There is always the chance that something will stop working right. There will be a day when we walk away from an echo with not so good news. And when that day comes I pray that I will continue to say that God is good.
We give all glory to God for our echo today. He is the giver of life and he sustains life.
I don't know if this was a very clear picture or if this made much sense,
but it was so on my heart today so here it will stay!
