From My Heart To Yours

   I have attempted to start blogs before, and failed. I have realized that the reason for this is that I have had nothing to say. I have found my reason to start again. I now have something to say.

I am wife. I am mommy. I am chosen.

   My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We have two boys ages 3 and 2 with a baby on the way! God is the creator of my life and to Him I owe all that I have.

   I have always been one to trust God with my life. Being raised in a Christian home I learned at a young age that He is King and He controls our lives. When we give our lives to Him we are in the best place we can be. I have always believed this, but have never had to fully put that trust to the test.    Until now.

   December 6^th started great! I was so excited to go to our ultrasound and see pictures of our baby and find out what the gender was. (I was also a little nervous. Call it what you will, a mother's intuition maybe). We had it all planned out. The boys were going to Grandma's for the afternoon and Chris and I were going to make a date night out of it! We had a plan to find out the gender after the ultrasound over dinner at Olive Garden (love that place!). Things started out great, we saw our little bundle of joy on the monitor. When the tech was all done checking everything, she stepped out of the room to get the Dr that looks everything over just to make sure nothing was missed. As she was gone I looked at Chris and said, “She sure looked a lot at the heart”. To which he responded with, “Well, that is why we're here. This is to make sure all the vitals look good, the ultrasound isn't just for finding out the gender”. We laughed, and that was it. For a moment. The Dr. came in and re-looked at everything (and I thought once again how much he was looking at the heart). When he was done he stood and walked around the table. He then said words that I tear up thinking about even now. He looked at us and said, “There seems to be a problem with your baby's heart.” That was about the point that I couldn't hear anything else that he was saying. My mind was in a haze and all I heard was something about going to his office to talk about what he saw. He and the tech walked out of the room and I got off the table and sat next to my husband. That is when the tears started. The type of crying so hard that it's hard to breathe. I composed myself and we headed to the Dr.'s office. There is where we heard just how bad this Dr. thought that the situation was. There was a lot of head-nodding and crying and not quite understanding what all was being said. Our little baby had a heart defect. So much so that the Dr. didn't even have a name for it. There was no septum between the ventricles and there was not a “good visual of an outflow” of the blood going to the lungs (among other things). This Dr. is not a heart specialist, so he could not tell us for sure what was going on. He did tell us that we would probably have to deliver at the Children's Hospital and that the baby would have to have surgery shortly after birth. He also said that a baby's heart changes and grows a lot between weeks 20-22, so we left feeling hopeful that God would change things.

   After that appointment we headed out to eat, as planned. We got our table and Chris had the envelope with the gender of our baby on it. And at that point it didn't even matter. All that mattered was that our baby was hurt and that we were hurting. We didn't find out the gender that night.

   A week later Chris presented me with a little blue onsie. It was another boy! I truly was so surprised (I was SO sure it was a girl) and happy. We love our boys and they're going to love having a little brother.

   We spent the next month celebrating Christmas and trying not to worry about our little boy. Chris kept telling me, “There's nothing we can do. It's all in God's control.” And let me tell you, that was not easy to remember. I just kept praying that God would do a miracle and heal his heart. Or maybe they were wrong about what they saw on the ultrasound.

   After many weeks of waiting we finally got to see a Cardiologist. January 3^rd we got the news that not only were they right during our first ultrasound, but that our boy's heart was even worse than they originally thought. There are so many little parts of his heart that are unique to him that there aren't even pictures or a name to call it (hypoplastic right ventricle was just one of the names for one of the problems). Our cardiologist was so thorough and clear with how he explained it. He only has one working ventricle. The ventricle that pumps blood to the whole body. The side that pumps blood to his lungs is not there, which would make breathing upon birth very difficult. He would not be getting blood to his lungs and therefore oxygen would not be entering his bloodstream. He will have to have open heart surgery shortly after birth. This is just one of the issues with his heart. he also has some other major issues that will need to be addressed in his other heart surgeries (he will have 3 open heart surgeries for sure).

   God is good.

   He is in control.

   He is our comforter.

   He is the author and finisher of our faith.

   Aaron Ezekiel is the name of our 3^rd baby boy. As soon as we learned about his heart defects we knew that we wanted a name that would remind him each day of our great God. Aaron means blessing, and Ezekiel means strengthened by God. He is truly a blessing already and we pray each day that he would remember where he gets his strength. We are not strong in and of ourselves. God is the one who allows our heart to beat. He is the one who puts that breath into our lungs. Without Him, it doesn't matter how strong your heart is. He is the one who allows it to beat.

   This is just the beginning of our journey. We have many more months of Dr. appointments and surgeries and we will be walking through it together. With God as our leader. He will do more than we could ever think in our baby's life.

   All we are required to do is trust and obey.