From God's Heart to Mine

   Every time I get a card in the mail, a message on social media, or a text I am once again humbled at the thought of just how many people are praying for us and for Aaron. To know that this precious boy has had so many prayers for his little life bring tears to my eyes. I know that God has a wonderful plan in store for his life and I can't wait to see what He does through Aaron!

   God has been so good along this early part of our journey. I wanted to share some specific ways that He has been showing Himself faithful to us through our baby's heart.

   

   Back in September my husband (Chris, for those who don't know) accepted a job offer to work from home. This was a long process of praying, making pro/con lists, and debating whether we should step out in faith or not. To leave a job with so much security for our growing family (we had just recently found out we were expecting Aaron), it was a difficult choice. Ultimately, he took the job. We never thought that that was God's first step in showing us that he is in control. Because of this new job, Chris will be able to work from the hospital during Aaron's stay there as a newborn (providing we can buy him a good laptop before then). Praise the Lord! He had already been working, because He knew that this was the road we were going to be going down. Even as I type this I am in awe of how thoughtful and caring our God is. He could have kept Chris at his previous job, He could have made it so much more difficult when baby arrives; but He didn't. He cared enough about our little family in northern Wisconsin to allow this new job and allow our family to be together at such a difficult time. God cares.

   At my first check up with my OB, around 12 weeks, we found out the 2^nd way God was going to work all things out for our good. My Dr. told me that he would no longer be delivering babies after March (I was due in April, just a month later!). I was bummed, I really liked him and didn't want to have to make a choice of finding a new Dr. He told me that I could continue seeing him until around 32 weeks, or I could go to a different Dr. right away. He gave me some suggestions of Dr.'s and left it at that. I went home and told Chris of the news, we decided that I would rather switch Dr.'s right away so that I could get to know the new Dr. during the whole pregnancy instead of the last few weeks. I decided this because I was going to have to change hospitals, Dr.'s, the drive (it was twice as long now to get to the new hospital. Remember, we live in the middle of nowhere...so instead of driving 25 min to the hospital, we were now going to have to drive 45 min. I was NOT looking forward to that! I'm a little paranoid about giving birth in the car.). Anyway, I decided to change Dr.'s and God had it all planned out (way number 3 that God was in control). At this new Dr. I was just one appointment away from my ultrasound! Yay! So she told me that at their clinic the procedure is that after the tech looks at the baby, they have a high risk Dr. that also comes in and looks, just in case there is anything wrong (ding ding ding! Way number 4 God had us all taken care of). This may not seem like a big deal, but I had the choice of having my ultrasound done at my previous hospital (so I wouldn't have to drive as far) but my Dr. convinced me that having it done at the new place would be better because the high risk Dr. would be there and I'd get better pictures of my baby (what Mommy wouldn't want that?!). As you know, it was at that 20 week ultrasound that we did, in fact, get some pretty good pictures of our baby and that the high risk Dr. was very involved in showing us our baby's condition. Now, people may say that this was all coincidence or that it was ironic that these things just happened. But I know the truth. This was no chance happening, there was no “it just happened to be this way”, there was no “wow are we lucky that this Dr. was able to see us”. This was all planned by a loving and caring God. He knew where we would need to be to get the best reading possible on that ultrasound, He knew that I would need to switch Dr.'s, He knew that the extra 45 min drive ultimately wouldn't matter. He knew. He cared. He loved us enough to change our plans even though we didn't think they needed to be changed. God loves.

   I am so sure that there will be many more things that God reveals to us how this has all been in His perfect plan. And I am also sure that there will be many things that we don't even realize He has done! We know that He cares about us, we know that He loves us, we know that our lives are in His hands. We rest in those promises and we rely on them daily as we are going through this journey. These truths don't make the hurt of this process go away, they are still there. It hurts me to know that my newborn won't get to come home right away. It hurts me to know that he'll be having open heart surgery at a week old. It hurts me to know that my other 2 boys won't get to see mommy or baby Aaron very much. But God, in His great mercy and care and love, will be with us through all the hurts and sorrow that we go through. He will also be with us in all our joys and triumphs! Aaron is already such a joy to our family. He is such an active baby (much like his big brothers). His brothers love to talk about him and to him. We thank God daily for his life and that he is growing!

   All this to say, our God is good. He cares. He loves. And He shows us that daily by people who are praying and loving on our little family as we go through this journey!  

From My Heart To Yours

   I have attempted to start blogs before, and failed. I have realized that the reason for this is that I have had nothing to say. I have found my reason to start again. I now have something to say.

I am wife. I am mommy. I am chosen.

   My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We have two boys ages 3 and 2 with a baby on the way! God is the creator of my life and to Him I owe all that I have.

   I have always been one to trust God with my life. Being raised in a Christian home I learned at a young age that He is King and He controls our lives. When we give our lives to Him we are in the best place we can be. I have always believed this, but have never had to fully put that trust to the test.    Until now.

   December 6^th started great! I was so excited to go to our ultrasound and see pictures of our baby and find out what the gender was. (I was also a little nervous. Call it what you will, a mother's intuition maybe). We had it all planned out. The boys were going to Grandma's for the afternoon and Chris and I were going to make a date night out of it! We had a plan to find out the gender after the ultrasound over dinner at Olive Garden (love that place!). Things started out great, we saw our little bundle of joy on the monitor. When the tech was all done checking everything, she stepped out of the room to get the Dr that looks everything over just to make sure nothing was missed. As she was gone I looked at Chris and said, “She sure looked a lot at the heart”. To which he responded with, “Well, that is why we're here. This is to make sure all the vitals look good, the ultrasound isn't just for finding out the gender”. We laughed, and that was it. For a moment. The Dr. came in and re-looked at everything (and I thought once again how much he was looking at the heart). When he was done he stood and walked around the table. He then said words that I tear up thinking about even now. He looked at us and said, “There seems to be a problem with your baby's heart.” That was about the point that I couldn't hear anything else that he was saying. My mind was in a haze and all I heard was something about going to his office to talk about what he saw. He and the tech walked out of the room and I got off the table and sat next to my husband. That is when the tears started. The type of crying so hard that it's hard to breathe. I composed myself and we headed to the Dr.'s office. There is where we heard just how bad this Dr. thought that the situation was. There was a lot of head-nodding and crying and not quite understanding what all was being said. Our little baby had a heart defect. So much so that the Dr. didn't even have a name for it. There was no septum between the ventricles and there was not a “good visual of an outflow” of the blood going to the lungs (among other things). This Dr. is not a heart specialist, so he could not tell us for sure what was going on. He did tell us that we would probably have to deliver at the Children's Hospital and that the baby would have to have surgery shortly after birth. He also said that a baby's heart changes and grows a lot between weeks 20-22, so we left feeling hopeful that God would change things.

   After that appointment we headed out to eat, as planned. We got our table and Chris had the envelope with the gender of our baby on it. And at that point it didn't even matter. All that mattered was that our baby was hurt and that we were hurting. We didn't find out the gender that night.

   A week later Chris presented me with a little blue onsie. It was another boy! I truly was so surprised (I was SO sure it was a girl) and happy. We love our boys and they're going to love having a little brother.

   We spent the next month celebrating Christmas and trying not to worry about our little boy. Chris kept telling me, “There's nothing we can do. It's all in God's control.” And let me tell you, that was not easy to remember. I just kept praying that God would do a miracle and heal his heart. Or maybe they were wrong about what they saw on the ultrasound.

   After many weeks of waiting we finally got to see a Cardiologist. January 3^rd we got the news that not only were they right during our first ultrasound, but that our boy's heart was even worse than they originally thought. There are so many little parts of his heart that are unique to him that there aren't even pictures or a name to call it (hypoplastic right ventricle was just one of the names for one of the problems). Our cardiologist was so thorough and clear with how he explained it. He only has one working ventricle. The ventricle that pumps blood to the whole body. The side that pumps blood to his lungs is not there, which would make breathing upon birth very difficult. He would not be getting blood to his lungs and therefore oxygen would not be entering his bloodstream. He will have to have open heart surgery shortly after birth. This is just one of the issues with his heart. he also has some other major issues that will need to be addressed in his other heart surgeries (he will have 3 open heart surgeries for sure).

   God is good.

   He is in control.

   He is our comforter.

   He is the author and finisher of our faith.

   Aaron Ezekiel is the name of our 3^rd baby boy. As soon as we learned about his heart defects we knew that we wanted a name that would remind him each day of our great God. Aaron means blessing, and Ezekiel means strengthened by God. He is truly a blessing already and we pray each day that he would remember where he gets his strength. We are not strong in and of ourselves. God is the one who allows our heart to beat. He is the one who puts that breath into our lungs. Without Him, it doesn't matter how strong your heart is. He is the one who allows it to beat.

   This is just the beginning of our journey. We have many more months of Dr. appointments and surgeries and we will be walking through it together. With God as our leader. He will do more than we could ever think in our baby's life.

   All we are required to do is trust and obey.